One of the more wrenching problems many of us face is the challenge of caring for elderly parents and family members. As they age, these people come to depend on us for help. Maybe it’s you, the adult child, who’s doing the driving and shopping and cleaning. But at some point, when you’ve reached your wit’s end or at least can see it, even you will need help. I have mediated a number of conflicts and disputes within families over whether, how, and when to care for elderly parents. I even have a role playing exercise I use in my mediation training involving elderly parents. The problem becomes challenging when it drains our hearts, our finances, our time and our energy. We are facing our own mortality and we want to the best we can to our parents as they did for us when we were young. One of the ways that conflicts can be avoided is to consider engaging the services of an in-home caregiver. For the children of aging parents, the in-home caregiver supplies a great measure of security and support that the children themselves often cannot provide. Whether the children live in a distant city or don’t have time away from work and their own families, the stress of having a failing parent weighs heavily on them. On this edition of The Doug Noll Show, my guest host Cortes Lauks and I have invited Colleen and Brian Nichol, authors of the book "Senior Days: Insightful Tales and No-Nonsense Help from the Frontlines of Eldercare" and experts in elder in-home care to share their wisdom with us;

 

 

Colleen tells us the story of a 94 year old man who loved to watch porn movies. She describes how, by looking at the photos and pictures in his house, she was able to ask questions about his family. Care givers have to build trust with their clients and learning about the history of the client is important. It turns out that this gentleman had been a professional gigolo and, in his youth, was strikingly handsome. He had many stories to tell and Colleen was able to build a relationship of trust and care for him;

 

We ask Colleen the secret to finding a good care giver. She tells us to work through an established agency that is bonded and insured. Good agencies will try to match up clients with the personalities of the care givers. How do you know when a care giver might be needed? Colleen tells us to look for changes in behavior, lack of cleanliness, and out of character attitudes about life. To avoid conflicts, Colleen tells us the importance of family meetings and conferences. These may be very difficult, and she says to consider the use of an outside mediator or facilitator to help. Conflicts around care are best resolved when the whole family is engaged, she says;

 

I ask Colleen about driving privileges. Colleen says that taking away the keys is hard to do. She suggests that a family member casually drive with the elder and observe the driving ability. If the driving skills have degraded to an unsafe level, talk about the danger to others and the possibility of accidents. If the elder is unresponsive, have the family physician become involved. Typically, elders will listen to their physician’s advice; What about financial issues? Colleen says that care givers stay out of financial issues. However, they watch for unscrupulous people seeking gifts or donations. Colleen says that some religious organizations have been predatory towards the elderly, and the family must tread carefully. Colleen and Brian Nichol are authors of the book "Senior Days: Insightful Tales and No-Nonsense Help from the Frontlines of Eldercare", which is available at all the usual online outlets.