Just when you think you know everything there is to know about falling in love, there’s always more to learn. Limerence is one of those things that may feel a lot like being in love. Yet, it’s very different from being in a healthy relationship where both partners share mutual feelings for one another.
In this post, we’ll talk about this heightened emotional state. We’ll also tell you what the four stages of limerence are.
Let’s get started.
Limerence Defined
Limerence was first coined in the 1970s by the renowned psychologist Dorothy Tennov. It’s defined as a ‘mental state of profound romantic infatuation, deep obsession, and euphoric longing.’
Having these overwhelming emotions is combined with an obsessive need to have your feelings reciprocated. You just want more of your crush to the point of craving them.
The scientific explanation is that when you’re in this heightened state, you experience a spike in dopamine levels in your system. You feel such intense pleasure and satisfaction that you feel like you’re on cloud nine.
This person quickly starts to represent the truest form of romance you’ve been reading about since you were a kid. You start convincing yourself that you’re experiencing the same emotions you’ve only seen in movies and films.
After a while, that ‘high’ become addictive. So you allow yourself to go deeper and deeper down the emotional rabbit hole, hoping to experience higher levels of dopamine.
At its core, limerence is based on fantasy, not reality. It revolves around having unnaturally intense feelings for someone who doesn’t reciprocate your love. After all, limerence isn’t a true representation of love.
This one-sided relationship is more of an obsession or romantic fantasy rather than being in a loving two-sided relationship.
Another difference between limerence and love is that, over time, love matures into something more grounded and profound.
Limerence, on the other hand, is more of an emotional obsession. It’s all-consuming and so intense that it prevents you from having the natural ebb and flow of a real relationship. It’s not as fluid.
The 4 Stages of Limerence
Below are the four stages of limerence that range from profound euphoria to overwhelming despair.
Stage 1: The Attraction
This initial phase is when you begin having feelings of attraction for someone. You’re still not sure how they feel about you, but you still can’t stop thinking about them. Thoughts of them consume your every waking hour, like that cute freckle near their eyebrow or the way the corners of their mouth curl up when they smile.
Your heart races at the thought of them and your stomach does somersaults. Each time you see them or talk to them, you feel a rush of overwhelming feelings, such as:
- Obsessive thoughts
- Excitement and euphoria
- Anxiety and nervousness
- Increased sense of motivation and energy
- Insomnia and restlessness
Stage 2: The Infatuation
This second stage is when your feelings will escalate and intensify. You feel you can’t live without the person you’re infatuated with.
You start having irrational thoughts to the point of believing they’re flawless. Not only that, but your thoughts become disillusioned. You start to put them on a pedestal and you see only what you want to see in them.
Some emotions you may experience during the infatuation stage include:
- Fear of abandonment and rejection
- Increased craving and longing
- Heightened anxiety and insecurity
- Intense emotional and physical sensitivity
- Visualizing a future with the person
Stage 3: The Peak
The third stage of limerence is the peak where you start feeling frustrated because your emotions aren’t being fulfilled. You realize that the person doesn’t feel the same way about you, and reality sinks in.
This can lead to being hurt and disappointed. You may also experience feelings of rejection and anger at the person for not reciprocating your emotions.
Common emotions felt during the peak stage are:
- Bitterness and resentment
- Apprehensive and despair
- Obsessive thoughts and rumination
- Feelings of inadequacy and low-esteem
- Frustration and disappointment
Stage 4: The Decline
The fourth and final stage of limerence is the decline of your emotions. This is when you finally resign and begin to accept the reality of your situation.
The person no longer consumes your every waking moment. You begin to realize that your feelings are no longer all-consuming, overpowering, or overwhelming. So, you start moving away from your infatuation.
The emotions you might experience during this fourth stage are:
- A few lingering feelings of attraction
- Acceptance
- Gratitude for going through this experience
- Relief and freedom
- Increased emotional maturity and self-awareness
Why Limerence Is Unhealthy
As you can see, the stages and symptoms are similar to those seen in obsessive-compulsive disorder. Besides those mentioned above, other typical symptoms linked to limerence are loss of friendships and the breakdown of healthy family dynamics.
Moreover, if this obsession becomes too overpowering, it can interfere with your daily life. As such, it can cause intense anxiety and depression, which can lead to destructive thoughts and behaviors.
Getting Over a Limerence Affair
Going through a limerence affair can be an overwhelming emotional rollercoaster. It can last anywhere between several weeks to several years, depending on the individual and the surrounding circumstances.
The silver lining is that once you realize you’re in an unhealthy relationship where your feelings aren’t reciprocated, it can be a valuable learning experience.
The first step in getting over a limerence affair is to realize that your worth isn’t defined by how someone feels about you.
Once you define your self-worth and boost your self-confidence, you can begin to recognize when a relationship isn’t working in your favor. Then, if it’s clear that the person isn’t interested or doesn’t feel the same way about you, you simply move on with the conviction that someone better will come along.
Instead, you should focus your energy on your own needs without feeling the need to have someone in your life. Create goals for your life and practice self-care, and the rest will take care of itself.
Then, before you know it, someone deserving of your love and attention will appear in your life.
To Sum Up
The four stages of limerence are full of intense emotions. From the initial crush stage to the final stage of decline and resignation, it can take you on an exciting ride.
The important thing is to not let it interfere with your daily life, not allow your emotions to overpower you, and keep things in perspective. Otherwise, limerence can cause excessive stress and anxiety. It can even lead to harmful behavior for yourself and others.
This is why it’s vital to know these stages and the emotions that accompany them. This way, you can go through limerence and come out stronger and more confident.
